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Sadness.... [Apr. 6th, 2005|08:08 pm]
[mood |sadsad]

I ask myself when the sadness will go away... Not that I am writing in here for sympathy but I do need to vent in some way... A little over a week ago my father passed away and I have to say its been the hardest thing that I have had to encounter... Of all the painful things I have endured this was by far the worse... I have a feeling of emptiness inside of me... My heart is in my throat and I am at a loss for words...
I regret that it had been eight months since I had seen him last... What I wouldn't give to see him one last time to hug and tell it was all cool... It doesn't feel real... I do'nt know how to vent... I am hurting... I worry that if I constantly tell Jason how sad I am he will think I am silly and wanting him to guide me... And its not that... I just feel empty...
I read in my journal an inspiring passage that I had written and it made me feel better... I just don't know how to properly grieve though... I am heartbroken at the thought of my brother's sorrows and the thought that my young sisters do not have a father figure in their lives.... I am lucky enough to have a loving stepfather but it doesn't relieve my pain....
It saddens me to think that my sisters will marry have children and my father will never walk them down the aisle or hold his grandchild... I worry about my brother turning to alcohol to mask his pain... I am sadden at the thought of my fathers memory fading with time.... I don't want to forget hos voice or his laugh but I know that I will....
I love the fact that my taste in music and my fanatical love of music came from him... He may not of had the same taste as me but he loved music with a passion... Of all the things that I could of developed from him I am glad that something as important as music is the one... It was a huge part of his life and mine as well... Music says it all... Makes me realize that I need to listen and get into it more....
I just miss him and it hurts....
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Sentinmental...... [Aug. 22nd, 2004|05:08 pm]
Its amazing how you realize how much you will miss something months after you have vacated it..... I moved nine months ago and have gone on day by day... However this past weekend I had a real sense of homesickness.... Maybe it was because my mom came for the weekend... Maybe its because I am getting ready to move thousands of miles away....
But have you ever hugged someone so tight that you never wanted to let go... My mom was planning on staying until Monday however she left a day early... I was sad but she said she thought it would make it rough for me to say my goodbyes right before leaving for work.... I think she was right.... It broke my heart when she said that my stepdad said "never forget home and come back whenever you want."
The past is the past and you have to forgive and move on to let the future in....
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(no subject) [Aug. 17th, 2004|07:35 am]
Wooooooo I got the greatest presents last night.... YAY...... I got monkeys and cows and music and books... Makeup and shoes... Oh MY GOD... Everything a girl needs and wants.... Jason is definetly the BIG J LOVE SAUCE.... Ohhh yeah........ I even got ice cream pie.....
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Birthday List..... [Aug. 16th, 2004|07:29 am]
I have a birthday list of things I need today......


Hmmm so whats my chance if getting any of these things? Ohhh and I am also the PRINCESS today.... Ohhh yeah....
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Ass... [Aug. 11th, 2004|07:47 am]
Every time I look at the computer or get online there seems to be some naked chick on there with a big penis in her ass... What the hell... New Porn...
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Autumn.... [Aug. 11th, 2004|07:30 am]
Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year.. Just thinking about it makes me happy..... I love the smells, the changing of leaves and autumn nights..... Breezy and everything is beautiful..... During the months of mid September, October and early November I am always happy.... So I am sad that I will be missing out on Fall this year... Actually it depresses me... I don't want to miss out on Fall....
I can't figure out if I am just nervous about moving and getting cold feet or if its something else....
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Side A......... 1986 [Aug. 1st, 2004|10:36 am]
Side A

*You Give Love a Bad Name ------------ Bon Jovi
*Sara -------------------------------- StarShip
*Live to Tell ------------------------ Madonna
*Two of Hearts ----------------------- Stacey Q

My first bout of Rock Star love was hard core when I was ten years old. When you're ten, unlike being in your late 20's, having a crush on a rock star doesn't make you weird... Everyone's doing it and you are suppose to be doing it.... It's the Grade 5 peer-pressure equivalent of smoking pot or having sex in high school...
My crush was on Jon Bon Jovi... His big hair head covered my bedroom walls.... The beauty of 80's music was that rock stars were not afraid to speak their feelings.... It wasn't corny... It wasn't suspicious and it wasn't desperate.... Men could spill their guts in a flood of synthesizers, cymbals, A-B-A-B rhyme schemes and long notes high as women's.. They were genuinely impassioned as they "brought ships into shores," "threw away oars," and "made love out of nothing at all." Even heartbreak was delivered with a bravado that seems comical to me now.... As an adult its silly but in 86 it was acceptable and desirable and it was why I loved Jon Bon Jovi so much.....
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Stallions and Faries...... [Jul. 15th, 2004|07:47 am]
So sometimes I enjoy being obnoxious and seeing if it makes people squirm.... Especially when you break all of the morning rules and just start talking and demanding attention..... Makes for great entertainment and also I smaile all day long knowing that he hates it but deep down LOVES it... I know he does... I can see it in his eyes... If I didn't bother him who would? Ta Dah..... So here I am......
I also enjoy stealing the pens and hiding them so he flips out.... Even though I didn't take the red one I think I will now... Just to be funny and hear him get all in a huff......
Its a good thing that I like him somewhat maybe even love a little bit.... ;)
Ohhh and Johnny looks sexy in his pictures so everyone needs to check them out... Jason wants to massage his ass like the karate kid... Wax on wax off....
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A Secret.... [Jul. 7th, 2004|07:49 am]
I have a secret I must let everyone in on.... I think that Jason is trully gay.... Over the weekend he purchased a religious sex cd and here is the kicker.... Are you ready..... Richard Simmons Tone and Sweat... GAY..... FAGTREE...... Gayalicious........
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God.... [Jun. 22nd, 2004|07:57 am]
If anyone has ever seen a Reef in actual real life or just in aquariums at zoos or maybe pictures you would see its multitude of inhabitants and how this very thing has convinced me at some point that there definetly is a God.....
There are all of those amazing fish with totally pointless markings, purple dots and green stripes and odd shapes... Makes me think that God was having fun when he made them........
Think about orange fish, fish with yellow zigzags and what about Dalmatians? Dogs with spots... That has to be God in creative mode......
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